the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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