He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
