I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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