No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
