your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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