I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
