I'm so fucking centered right now
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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