Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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