so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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