3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My life is pants optional.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
