There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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