What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
