Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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