I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
