Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
