I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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