anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The air was thick with penises
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
