Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
