Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
