hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
