so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
