Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
