my phone needs a breathalizer
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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