who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
