I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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