Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
