I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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