My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
