eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
