why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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