I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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