Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
