I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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