Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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