someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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