A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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