Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
