we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You are a genius and a whore.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
