That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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