you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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