cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my shit smells like andre
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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