So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
