Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
