Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
