If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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