My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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