you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
