Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
