my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
