So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
