theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
where does the pee come out of this thing
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
